Richmond Named Top Mid-Sized City For Hot, Sweaty Adultery

Don’t look now, y’all, but the city where you and I fight for the right to selfie, chortle and Uber is winning ALL the lists.

We’ve just been named the “Number One Mid-Sized City For Hot, Sweaty Adultery.”

That’s right. We get busy wrecking homes in the 804, y’all.

Love.

This is my everything. (I’m making that face you make when you read that RVA is for adulterers).

I can hear you saying, “But you’re just a journabot monkey. Your job is to cheerlead and repeat clichés.” Well, yes and no.

Seriously, bring it in. Take a knee. I need to be real with you. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our city makes a fascinating top-ten list pretty much every day, thanks to big city publicists who shoot them our way. Oh, and the fact that they’re pretty easy to just repost verbatim. (And thanks to you guys’ insatiable need for constant news updates, no matter how bland or pointless, reposting press releases is becoming the order of the day in understaffed newsrooms).

Each morning, I scan my junk folder for senders like MindlessHub, FactGrinder, ClownMusic and Hype4Sale.com, that offer exclusive, deep-dig investigations ranking cities in the top categories that titillate millennials. Why millennials? I can’t believe it’s 2016 and I’m explaining this AGAIN to you freaking old geezeballs with your frontbutt pants. Hate.

Turn those hearing aids up! We’ll never become a Pier One city if we don’t appeal to young, quasi-professional urban gentrifiers and armchair entrepreneurs. They’re never going to live here, drink here, and wardrobe malfunction here, unless we give them the respect they deserve for having ideas to kickfuck.

Those crusty old geezers at the General Assembly need only look to Oregon, Colorado, and about-to-legalize heroin Hawaii for inspiration. Young people wanna live in those places because they can get soooo high (legally) that they won’t be able to taste their own grilled cheese unless they turn the TV down, as my mama used to say.

Cool spots better watch out, though – RVA is coming hard.

Read below some other recent lists that Richmond totally ruled, that I just haven’t had time to repost.

1. Number five mid-sized city for Walmart riots involving obsolete technology.

2. Local fraternities placed ninth (internationally) for sleep-peeing in clothes hampers occupied by cats.

3. Our Chipotle guacamole gun ownership numbers are through the roof. And you’ll have to pry our Duke’s mayonnaise guns from our fat, greasy fingers.

4. We spend more on groceries in preparation for stronger-than-average rains than anywhere in the civilized world. In a related study, we have the most documented cases of snow-puddle fear, also known as slushophobia.

5. We are a top-ten market for consultants looking to retire.

6. Number two in online reader comments that lead to depression, road rage, and suicidal thoughts.

7. We have more brawls between people and unhinged toilet seats than any other city that celebrates St. Patrick’s Day — IN THE WORLD. Fromage’s Travel Guide said we were “the real thing . . . a St. Patty’s Day for drunks, by drunks.”

9. We absolutely dominate the competition for “My Child Is Better Than Your Child” bumper stickers; also we had the most auto accidents related to misspelled vanity plates per capita, y’all.

10. Finally, I don’t think you want me to bring up khakis. Because, hands down, we are that entire industry’s stainless, no-iron wet dream.